Fuck Myself-1

I really feel a change of myself this year.

Seriously, even though the first 3/4 of 2011 was horrible and terrible for me, still, the remaining 1/4 of 2011 was awesome cuz i knew many new westwoodians juniors through my Brother teaching class outing, who are currently in Sec 2D now. Through them and him, i made friends with many other ones in Sec 3 currently and so on and so forth. However, sometimes, things don't last. True enough, i find myself sucks and too anti-social, thus it doesn't make any difference when it reaches 2012, where i became a loner (Yes, again).

The beginning of 2012 was great, to be frank. It only became worst after Chinese New Year 2012, when i lost a friend due to some particular reasons. I failed, but it's fine. However, i didn't know i will lost another great friend that i made with, Ace. Though we are back talking now, i know that i still sucks. When she ignored me that time, i knew i received another blow from such losing friends incident again. I'm not surprised to lose friends, cuz i sucks. But losing her... was seriously painful. I don't know i cried how many nights over this. When it reached March, i became a fucking loner, and my old laptop crashed. So many incidents came, and i knew this friend, but again, i knew he/she will leave me, and it's true, we don't talk anymore.

When school reopened, i just wanted to be a loner and work hard for studies, which resulted me becoming a workaholic guy with no life. I don't play games, socialise and stuff. I just want to be alone, but i was tired, extremely feeling weak, so much so that i have no support. When the event came (Music Matters 2012), i made many new friends from Class 02, as well as Edwina! But again, things don't last, and they left me alone eventually, as in we don't talk that much, because i sucks, the reason is simply simple, isn't it?

I don't make the effort to talk, but it's due to generation issue, you see. I really wanted to talk, but who will listen and pay attentive to what i'm saying, right? I'm boring, and i'm unreasonable right now. It's true, cuz i hate every single of them who made me feel like this and lonely, be it in the past or presently. Why, why can't anyone just stay in my life and talk to me, care about me, etc? I don't want to have part time friends, you see. Who want, right? I'm glad i have 1 friend now whom i started hang out with recently, Irham from R.Poly. He's nice, i knew him through SP Wing Chun Club. Again, i won't know when he will leave me even though he told me to stay positive.

I'm back to smoking since last friday class 4E chalet. Esmond was being generous to gave me 6-10 cigarettes so far. Yes, i shouldn't have smoke, but why can't i smoke when i feel stress, lonely and stuff? Why can't they just let me die earlier, right? Don't act as if you guys care about me by telling me not to smoke in SMS, Twitter, Facebook, Chats etc. If you care, talk to me, meet me, listen to my boring stupid story (They are real), but again, i talked to the walls, my minds, and even to my new kitten. I have nobody to share with, i'm not lying.

And because of all this, supposingly i should do 2 assignments in the holidays, but i did only less than 1. Sucks, i lost concentration, focus and goal in life... And you know what hurts the most? Loving somebody who don't love you, loving someone who is/was attached to others and ignore/ignored you now. I hate my life.

Fuck myself. I wish i can die before 18 years old in 2012.